I do not post about this part of my life often. I have struggled with anxiety issues for most of my life. Though God has healed me of so much and my life is now completely different in many ways - there are times that my anxiety kind of takes over. Not to destroy any longer, it is more like an inner storm. Anxiety attacks not only arrest ones attention and bring clouds of their own, they can leave you feeling like you are collapsing. Many who suffer from this feel like they are going to die or go crazy. Neither will happen in God’s care, I know. Yet, the turmoil is not something that easily lifts. The more progressive my life goes toward goals, the more this inner weakness is provoked.
I have chosen this self portrait as a companion to this writing as it was created during another period of turmoil in my life, some years ago. It was a time of change, confusion, the end of things and new beginnings full of vulnerability and anxiety.
God has not called me to be comfortable, so to speak. I must admit at times I might wish a period of that, yet that is not where I will grow. Such a desperate monster will not die easily in me - perhaps never fully. I am so glad I have a Savior who lived, felt, and faced the things we do. A Savior who is powerful and brings transformation, even as all seems inward defeat. It is certainly true that momentary valleys can seem like they will never go away when it is all we allow ourselves to see.
One of the biggest lies of the enemy, when we are brought low, is that our struggles are just not worthy of God’s attention. God loves real people in real life, and gave a Savior for us in our deepest needs. Life in Christ is not lived in stained glass scenes of victories that we can not relate to, but in the valleys of pain, trial, and our own personal obstacles. When we feel alone, He is there.
Lord, all my desire is before You;
And my sighing is not hidden from You. Psalm 38:9