Self-Definition

Each of us have roles in life. There are many labels we use to describe these. In them, we find a sense of purpose. When we ask the question, "Who am I?", we focus on these aspects in order to understand ourselves. Yet, do they really define self? What exactly does?

As I view my life, I see a number of things. I am an artist. As such, I have a role in the local community and society. I have been blessed with many supporters and friends with my art endeavors. My purpose as an artist is an important part of me.

I have been a husband for almost five years. I have a role in marriage, having been blessed with a unique woman who loves me more than I deserve. Being a husband is an important part of me.

I am a member of a local church. I am blessed to have friends there that I value very much. They have been a support for my parents and welcomed me as well. Being involved in the church community is an important part of me.
I am the son of caring parents, for much of my life they have been a support in the midst of challenges I had that were not easy for them. Their imprint will be part of me for the rest of my life. My role as a son, and in the wider sense of my family, is an important part of me.

All of these make up parts of me. Yet, considered individually, or combined together, they do not ultimately define me as a person. What defines me, that which determines my identity, that which designates who I am – is grounded in the fact that I am loved by a Holy God. I am loved in an undeserved grace, received as His own in the person of His Son Jesus Christ. It binds all of these parts together, is head of all of them, and establishes their value. This truth is so profound as to encompass and define life, with all the roles or purposes in relation to it.

This does not equate to the label "very religious person”, though it may seem to. Most of the things that I shared concern relationship. I am bound to the person of Jesus Christ wholly, in relationship with the most beautiful love anyone can ever know. It is a life of ever receiving. Daily His love shines in my experiences, making all good things beautiful, working beauty and grace from pain. My soul rests, it finds completion in He who not only made me, but redeemed me. When I come to know that I was created by a personal God, am saved by His grace to draw near to Him, I find the fruition and reason for my very being. I find why I am really me, what I exist for.

God’s love in Christ is what defines me. In this, it does not negate the rest, rather, it imbues them with even more meaning they could have alone. This purpose infuses all of life. Christ is the “Amen” to all truth, to all love, to all the events I experience. He is on the throne of every life’s breath, yet intimately as a friend who never leaves or forsakes. Such joy is wonderful and beautiful, permeating life with the sublime love Christ has for us.

Artwork: "Awaken", © Jeffrey M Green. We see in this work a sense of determination, of purpose. The realization of which is that of bringing about the awareness of an awakening from things that have gone before.

The Desire to Avoid Discomfort

As Americans, perhaps more than any other culture, we tend to resist any form of discomfort. Whether it is physical, financial, emotional, or situational, we cry out against difficulty. We are brought up on our rights, what we can demand, and what we see as a sacred promise of the pursuit of individual happiness. In some ways today, these noble ideas have transformed in our psyche as a desire to shield ourselves from any trouble at all in life. You might even say we largely have redefined them solely to serve our own comfort.

When it comes to real life, it is unavoidable that there will be some kind of trouble. There will be difficult, even painful experiences. We may encounter this almost every day in some manner, or go through periods where we are overwhelmed. Our pasts may be filled with events that left many scars inside of us.

Some seek comfort desperately - or at least the lack of discomfort - by self medicating with drugs, alcohol, prescription abuse, or a myriad of diversions and entertainments. Modern life has uniquely brought many challenges of stress, along with ways of promising to alleviate it, though ultimately they add to the problem. The pull of them, nevertheless, is very strong.

Not everyone reacts this way. Perhaps the most universal reaction in the desire to avoid discomfort is complaining. Grousing has almost become a right in and of itself in our society, while on an individual level it defines much of our conversation. We complain about our bills, our health, our bad breaks, our marriages, how people treat us. The airwaves and media are filled with complaints about our government. We respond with visceral emotion, as if entitled to an intrinsic right to be free of any challenges. If things are not this way, we feel something is very wrong.

In terms of societal interaction, when we see all discomfort defined as a wrong itself, blame becomes a ready weapon, enmity the energy of social discourse. With punishment and apologies demanded, we are appeased, so we can feel safe and comfortable again. Is our over-vigilant sensitivity to tolerance issues, political correctness, or our raging against any contrary opinion other than our own (whatever they may be for either side) really a desire to never be uncomfortable?

When we allow our experiences to be in the hands of God, rather than our own, we are free to address life’s situations in a much healthier manner. In Christ, trials and difficulty are the chief way that God enables us to grow. In and through them God brings beauty and transformation, for our good. In this way difficulty transcends our annoyance, our resistance, and bitter complaining. Instead, it becomes opportunity. Our focus then is not on ease, but on Him.

There really is no way to avoid all discomfort or difficulty. We do not need to allow these experiences to go to waste, using up precious mental and emotional energy. By offering it to our Father, in trust that He has our best in mind at all times, we are free to receive the joy of His love in the midst of painful trials. It is a sure promise to hold onto, even when things get tough. It is then that abundant blessings await us.

Artwork: "Jetty", © Jeffrey M Green.

Welcoming God

Since the beginning, mankind has been running from God. Though we are empty and deeply broken, we seek our own way. If we may be inclined to think of God, we do so on our own terms, as if He were to answer to us, or ought to. If it does not happen this way, we are quick to get angry, in our generation.

The wonderful truth is that God is actually pursuing us. He actively seeks us, for He loves us beyond measure. So much so, that He gave His very own Son. Christ suffered, died, and rose again to bridge the gap of enmity between God and mankind. What is even more wonderful is that this is not an impersonal act vaguely applied to us. It is for each of us individually. God values each one of us, where we are right now, in our circumstances. Are your trials too big or too bad for God to love you? This is far from the case. It can be the very thing that brings you to an end of yourself, to welcome a God who waits for you to receive His Son.

Scripture says that when someone repents (changes their mind, receives Christ) all the angels in Heaven rejoice. Because it is the most beautiful thing a person can experience, with ramifications now and for all eternity. A sure hope that is not fickle emotion, but utterly trustworthy because of the object it is in, God Himself.

Artwork: "Through the Trees", © Jeffrey M Green.

The Problem of Evil

The problem of evil has been debated and explored for thousands of years. Up until our modern time, it was a given for us that evil existed. What we are seeing in modern society now, especially in the West, is a denial or redefining of evil and morality. It is a major shift in thinking.

There is, however, one sense where we very much are absorbed with the issue of evil more than ever before. It seems strange that on the one hand we want to remove this truth, but on the other we have become almost obsessed with it. It really comes down to where our focus and motives are. In our day, evil is most always considered in terms of “the other”. We see evil in that other person, that other group, that other society, that other mindset or views. We get caught up in this, and as we do so, we assume in ourselves that we are among the few that are “good”. Today's extreme behavior of the tolerance movement is very much driven by this energy, yet, no one is really immune. It is, after all, a human heart matter. When battle lines are drawn against each other, we see it in all camps.

God does not have the limited or reduced view of good that we do. Ours is based on a sliding scale of our own human perception, with others as a comparison – such as, “at least I (or we) are not as bad as they”. Today we are quick to use the words “do not judge me”, championing personal freedom as an all-encompassing banner, yet are constantly preoccupied with “the other” and what they deserve.

The Bible says that “the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” Jeremiah 17:9. This is the human condition universally. It is very hard for us to see evil in ourselves, however. It is uncomfortable to do, certainly.  We run away from this idea or strive to live up to a code or philosophy of some kind in order to somehow try to counteract it, feeling that, if the good somehow outweighs the bad, we will be OK. We have an idea that we are really not so bad, failing to understand what true good is. True good is in relation to the source of good, which is God. True good is not relative, it is pure. When we are truthful with ourselves and look within as we stand before a Holy God, we are confronted with the fact that denial or redefining moral reality only adds to our sad state.

Deep within, we know – though we push it away, distract ourselves, or deny with all our energy - that we do wrong, we are imperfect, we hurt others, disappoint our own selves, and fall so short of good. Thankfully, though the judge’s gavel has been brought down, the sentence does not have to be despair. We can find joy, release, and true freedom.

As we are confronted with our own evil - the Bible calls this sin -  we are invited to fall to our knees and receive the Christ who, in the purest unfathomable love, paid for it in full on the cross. He rose in victory over sin and death, bringing us true life. Great is the love God has for us, that though we are sinners, He gave His only Son.

When we receive Christ, we are washed clean. Where there was once enmity and separation from a Holy God, we find through Jesus, tender mercy and connection. Where there was hopelessness and darkness, we find rejoicing in the beautiful unmerited grace of God. God, who at the same time as being utterly and awesomely Holy, receives us with open arms in the gift of His Son.

Artwork: © Jeffrey M Green. Altered colored pencils self portrait.

When Depression is Our Companion

When we struggle with depression, isolation can make us feel hopeless. Most in our social circle may mean well, yet do not have the wish or ability to get close and connect on a deeper level. Though surrounded by people we can experience a profound aloneness.

There are valleys we walk that are so deep we wonder who will pause, listen to our pain, and understand? I am thankful that we can be open in our deepest sorrows with our loving Father. He will not turn away, dismiss us with light sentiments, or act awkward. In Christ, He knows us intimately. He knows us to our core. He demonstrated such love on the cross for us, with wonderful grace.

The darkness of depression can bring a numbing separation from anything positive. Hope then seems beyond the control of our immediate moment. We long for understanding yet withdraw into ourselves. Reading the Psalms as an example, we find that God welcomes His children pouring out our deepest pain to Him. There is none of this we need to hide. We are safe to bare all the despair within. We are free to be vulnerable with a Lord who tells us He will never leave us or forsake us, who reminds us how deeply He loves us. As there is no isolation more devastating than separation from God, if we have never accepted His Son we must receive this wonderful gift.

Sometimes our hearts are so weighed down we can not reach out and appreciate God's love in the emotional moment. Depression is like a sickness which may not pass with the best medicine. We can lay this turmoil before Him, knowing He walks us through our days with our hand clasped in His own. In the redemption of Christ, His hand holds strong over ours, where we can not wander, as it could be if the hands were reversed. His grace is not only over us when we can see it, this is just as true in the heart's dry branches, thorns, and thistles. Our wonderful God is good, all the time. His tender, gentle love enfolds with the healing light of pure acceptance in Christ.

Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:8

And Hannah answered and said, No, my lord, I am a woman of a sorrowful spirit...but have poured out my soul before the Lord. 1 Samuel 1:15. 

Artwork: © Jeffrey M Green. "Cloudy Dawn", pastels on pastel paper, 8 1/2" x 11".

Surrounded On All Sides By Love

Are you disappointed with yourself today? Do you feel down? In Christ the barrier of enmity is wiped away, bringing us near to God. Being near, His relationship to us is that of surrounding us on all sides in love. Not convenient fuzzy love only when we do well, but a deep pure love that can never be removed, even  when we fall on our face or just can't seem to overcome.

Your yesterday does not define your tomorrow. His grace is new everyday, bringing beauty and restoration in the most broken lives. And we are really all broken aren't we?

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels (that is us), so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves. 2 Corinthians 4:7.

Artwork: © Jeffrey M Green. "Wings", 3" x 4 1/4", colored pencils.

A Different Kind of Bio for a Different Kind of Life

My art is naturally affected by the whole of who I am as a person, both my past experiences and the present. In an increasing measure, at many places I go today, my unusual life has become a focus of interest. I share this aspect in hopes that it will touch others, with the realization there are many people today who struggle with issues that may not be seen on the surface. Lifelong trials do not have to be the end of our story. Mental and emotional issues can leave scars of shame for those who suffer with them. Our families or peers may sometimes not understand, though clinically there is more information today than ever.

______________________

My life is very different today. This is all still so new and very recent to me, when taken in comparison with the years of turmoil beforehand. I am 51 years old now. I am married, part of the art and church community, with a measure of success in my art career still in its beginning stages. I have had three solo shows, been part of many group shows, been featured in three magazines, and spoken in public a fair amount of times. I also teach in my home town and belong to a few local art societies in the area.

Until the past few years, however, I lived a very withdrawn life in a deep struggle with social anxiety. I was literally a shut in for much of my life, where art became my own little world. It affected my adolescent years severely. I attended a school for troubled kids when I was a teenager, it was the only way I could graduate with the problems I had. They were very difficult years that left scars of their own by peers who took advantage of my anxiety, in the way they treated me.

By my late teens and into my 20’s I became increasingly more and more troubled, until I basically became a shut in. I was terrified of people and social situations. As I spiraled downward, depression and a severe form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder took over my life. My daily experience became a very dark place. I was shut away from the world quite literally, while my own world was full of pain.

During this time I spent much of it creating and exploring with my art. Though my struggles affected my art as well, overall it was one positive thing to come out through it all, during those very long years.

For most all of my life, up to recent memory, any concept to me of “getting better” was something I could not comprehend. It was just not in the picture at all. It had that much of a control of my life; it was that much a part of me. For the OCD alone, this was very true. I was on several different medicines and combinations of them, one experimental at that time, to try to address the disorder. Doctors eventually gave up on being able to help me with that and the anxiety, including one I had seen for over ten years.

This presents a very bleak picture, and it was. The part that makes it hopeful now is the key word, “was”. That too is complicated, to be sure. Anxiety is not something that dies easily; I still struggle with it immensely today. Through that which may be seen on the outside in accomplishments, this is what is not seen. Yet, now the struggle is a direct reaction to actually interacting socially in a positive way, or achieving or reaching for goals, for positive growth in a forward direction. While this does provoke my anxiety problems, I now grow through it. At times it is very hard and causes a valley I must walk through to get to the other side of it.

In order to address such a life long struggle, for me, I first had to be broken completely. Far beyond rock bottom – I was there many times already. My unhealthy mind needed to be broken, my entire view of life, myself, everything. Being broken sounds scary, it was indeed, yet my unhealthy mind and heart had such a tenacious hold. This was not what can be described with a word, or with twelve steps to be taken, so to speak. My faith as a Christian was paramount as I addressed every unhealthy belief, attitude, and mental lie that shaped my whole painful world. When I mention faith, I do not mean a force or energy that was used in my own effort, as to me faith is really only as good as what object it is in.

In terms of my art and life becoming productive, getting “out there” in the world was a huge step for me. That I was even able to contemplate doing so took a lifetime in realization. It is s huge step that has progressive ongoing mountains to climb, as I go. I began this only four years or so ago. Along the way, speaking in public, and especially teaching were the hardest trials of all to overcome. At first I struggled as I tried to interact socially. I was awkward and very quiet. Over time I have developed the ability to be able to do so much better. With each challenge I still go through a great deal of turmoil. Again, it is in the newness of addressing it directly and growing. In fact, I find it is one of the key things that cause me to cling to God, a beautiful experience to me in the midst of all the trials.

At one time I was ashamed of being different and hid this secret part of my life from others. Transformed blessings have created in me now an appreciation of God’s healing; seeing my art, myself, and my life, in a whole new light. I am no longer ashamed of who I am, at peace with that fact that it is Ok to be different, that God's love is so deeply special to people with struggles. The shame was a deep damaging wound for me during those dark years. Being a grown man and a shut in tore at my own self worth. As it seems I never did anything half way, it became a seething self hatred.

It was a long road - these trials encompassed most of my life - but to me it is that much more deep and meaningful that the grace of God can reach anyone, in any circumstance, no matter how dark. I would never ask to walk it again, to be sure. Some of it, like the struggle with OCD, which ate away and destroyed so many years in pain I can not even describe, is a cause for regret to me. My struggles were not without effect on my family or those around me. I withdrew from them as well, which was a source of pain to my mom. Not to mention a trial of her own, and my step dad, in trying to get me help or live with me. My behavior, in many ways, was incomprehensible to others.

With all this, today I enjoy a virtually new life with all the positive things I shared at the beginning. Simple things that many enjoy over the course of a life – such as having friends, marriage, having a role of some kind in society - to me are all so new, to be experienced in light of all that has come before. Each challenge is also new to me. It requires a great deal of struggle, for things others may handle so much more confidently. I know that God can do anything, can remake anything, and make something good out of the longest and most trying trials. I live in that hope each day.

Through it all, despite it all, in much of my art can be seen a sense of tranquility, of peace. Its realization in my life is a new gift to me and something I actively seek each day. To be at peace with God, with myself, and with the world. To allow peace to come to me, even as I am full of anxiety.

I have met and known many wonderful people in this new phase of my life. Rather than hiding away alone, I enjoy talking to people now. I no longer wish to hide away. I have many goals I seek in my art, for the future. There is so much I want to do with the time I have. Along the way, I have benefited from the help, support, and encouragement of many indeed. It has been a great joy.

Art has been a wonderful blessing to me in my life. As each door opens it is an exciting and challenging adventure. It is one I walk through with a God who is not the God of the almost, the maybe, or the nearly. Even after a lifetime of trial.